The end of World War I, the storming of the Bastille, the signing of the Declaration of Independence; all these historic events pale in comparison to the monumental occasion on Monday, November 13, 2023: the return of the traffic lights to the intersection of Lovelace Avenue and University Street. As many life-changing events tend to occur, there was no fanfare, no warning. Even those working the night shift at the Wendy’s along University Street did not see anyone working on the long-neglected lights, only that the lights seemed to shift from a state of obsoleteness to functionality in a mere instant. For the past two years, the intersection has been without the guidance of a traffic signal light, leaving Martin drivers and pedestrians alike both confused over how to operate in this frightening, new 4-way stop and concerned at how such an important piece of infrastructure could be abandoned when citizens needed it most. The concern continued to grow as the days without the traffic light’s benevolent presence turned to weeks, then months. People began to wonder if they were wrong to take such a beautiful, calming figure as the traffic light for granted and if, like a scorned deity, the traffic lights at the intersection of University Street and Lovelace Avenue had abandoned humanity as righteous punishment for their heresy. At long last, however, it seems the age of the forsaken intersection has finally ended.
Although the momentous return of the traffic lights was not witnessed, the word spread quickly, and now the newly fixed lights bear witness to pilgrimages of weary travelers wishing to bask in its benevolent green/yellow/red light. The sheer awe of the fixed traffic lights soon overtook the unprepared witnesses, and they began to stare transfixed and unyielding at the lights for hours at a time, seemingly unable to break the incredible trance that the sheer magnificence of the traffic light had placed upon them. Attempts to gain witness testimony or community opinions were fruitless, as the sheer amazement of the incredible lights struck everyone present unable to speak. Local reporters, warned of the great and terrible power the traffic lights held over anyone who gazes upon them, averted their eyes in an attempt to maintain both their freedom and their journalistic integrity. Those driving past, however, as the temptation to bask in the overwhelming might of the traffic light grew, maintained their safe driving practices, stopping only to gaze upon the light as it bathed them in red, and, with a forlorn sadness, continuing with their routes, now seeming meaningless in comparison to gazing upon that great traffic light. The drivers understood, though, that as with many of the old deities, sometimes obeying their sacred message is more virtuous than basking in their glorious presence. After many hours of bearing witness to the fixed traffic lights, the travelers rejuvenated in their marvelous glow, returned home, leaving the traffic lights, those bastions of safety, to continue to inspire all those who pass by them.
Remember, traffic safety takes two. Pedestrians should always wait for the appropriate crossing signal and stick to marked crosswalks. Drivers should always yield to pedestrians on crosswalks.
This article is a work of satire, and thus is not intended to be taken literally.
